Happiness Cultivator

I am no stranger to depression, it has had my number all my life. I certainly do not want to make any sweeping generalization on what depression is, because I fully believe mental health issues manifest differently for everyone. I can speak to my experience with the faceless beast.

Depression to me is:

• Ruminating – focusing in on one topic so much that it envelopes all of you and can cause you to have a warped perception of what is true.
• Numb – I always thought depression was endless crying and don’t get me wrong your girl can cry, when I feel my lowest there are no tears just disassociating.
• Anger – I’ve been quick to label myself as calm, cool, and collected throughout my life and while that can be true it isn’t always. When depression is around I can be more irritable than ever and willing to wreck my whole life over a moment of anger. Also I have quickly learned throughout life what looks like anger is a lot of times fear.
• Recluse – this is a standard of depression when you close in on yourself and refuse to engage in activities you used to love as well as not reaching out to family and friends.

This of course is only a high level overview of what depression looks like to me but these are my usual aliments nonetheless. Depression also likes to hold the hand of anxiety as they frolic through my crisis. There are various points in my life when I let them win and I conceded to their efforts. I am still unpacking the why but I want to dive into those bleak moments when I finally persevered above the noise.

Beginning of this year I was in the midst of one of my worst depressive episodes in my life thus far. I am full time remote worker and I do not live near family or friends anymore due to my partners job, which includes weekly travel for him. I was miserable with the cold, miserable with my job, miserable with my self image, and eventually misery splashed out onto every aspect of my life including my relationship. This was when I knew things needed a change.

The photo above is that of the brightest memories of my childhood. I grew up on the coast and spent my summers with the ocean until I would feel like I’m swimming in my sleep. My childhood is quite a tale but summer beach memories remained unscathed. True freedom was running wildly towards the water until your boogie board when flying from your hands (then you had to chase it down before another kid snatched it). When I envision warmth and freedom I am a giggling child on the beach in the late 90s playing until the summer storms forced us home. I placed this photo in a frame on my desk at home to remind myself of the joy.

When I hit my breaking point this year I was staring at that very photo with puffy eyes and constant anxiety buzzing through my body. It was apparent to me in that moment I let them win more than ever before in my life. I began to pace around trying to remember her what that joy felt like, what it would feel like to feel that freedom again. I knew something had to give and I could not keep living the way I did. Not for her, she deserved a happy fulfilled future.

Shatter

“I am STILL HERE”, I shouted with all my might into the empty home and I kept shouting it as I felt depression and anxiety slink further and further back into the dark. This has become my mantra of 2024 “I am still here”, something I mutter to myself when they try to come back because they always will. I have yet to find a way for them to never come back but I make sure when they do they now can only stand at the gate.